Also known as “I am in my thirties and too old to still be dealing with this shit”
I have worked very hard on recovering from my codependent nature, allowing others to make their own choices, and not taking everything so personally. I have even concluded that if people are not brave enough to tell me they are upset with me, then I will not spend the energy gauging what it is I may or may not have done. My new boundaries, my new thoughts have replaced very unhealthy and selfish ones, yet here I am… sitting at my mother’s questioning my sanity, yet once again.
I am, of course, grateful that I have a place to lay my head, and that I have a mother that is still willing to let her adult children find refuge in her home. That being said, she makes me absolutely stark raving mad, within seconds. I have been here for a total of three days and already I find myself hiding and avoiding as if I were a teenager all over again. My loved ones have noticed, already, that my attitude has changed and that I am “crabby”… UGH!! How can I survive spiritual warfare with a psychopath, a divorce, and a foreclosure, all in one year, but not keep my shit together while sitting in the same room with mother dearest?
It took me years to come to the realization that my mom is somewhat crazy, something my brothers figured out when we were all younger. Crazy and super passive aggressive. I mean, I am passive aggressive, but she is fucking ridiculous with the shit. In addition, because I am codependent I, of course, have to decipher all of her shitty off handed remarks to determine how I can make the situation right, or how I made the situation shitty in the first place. Ain’t that some shit?? Because she cannot be adult enough to communicate her feelings I have taken on the role of… well, whatever the fuck this role is… It is so frustrating. I am frustrated. I have worked too damn hard to become a healthier version of myself to let myself fall back into all of my old pre-recovery ways.
So what is a girl to do? I have to stay here, I do not have any other options, and even though this is temporary, I fear the ramifications of all this bullshit will change me for the worse. I do not want to be bitter, I want a heart filled with gratitude, and I do not want to be affected by slamming dishes, swearing and remarks that do not actually resemble who I am anymore, if they ever really did. All of this makes me want to call my counselor and have a total freak out moment, but I already know what she will say, she has said it all before: “Stay away from that woman, she is unhealthy for you”. Sigh…
So, on top of dealing with the loss of my life as I have known it, I get the pleasure of trying to deal with this entire situation with grace and dignity. And quite frankly I want to throw a damn hissy fit. I want to throw things, cry and scream… that and tell everyone to just back the fuck off. This is hard. I am scared. My life is unsure, and try as I might I cannot seem to find a strong enough foothold to get me out of this mess. I indeed do feel as if I am emerging from a cocoon of some sort, and fuck if it is not painful. I just hope that at the end of this metamorphosis I will be able to look myself in the eyes once again and see the beauty I had once found there.