My coping skills have always been shit. Usually some attention from some half wit drugged out man, some sort of distraction from reality of being me. Some sort of validation that I am worthless, or better than them, depending on the day, probably both. A reminder that I am not alone, but that I am not important either, and that no matter what I need or want those needs are not a priority or even acknowledged. By me, by them. A dance I have done since I was thirteen.
I have been single and celebate for close to six years now. The dance continues from time to time, but nothing like it use to. Now I dance from the comfort of my own home and lie to myself that I’m not dancing at all. That I am merely chatting randomly with friends, what could be friends, just leaning into my loneliness from time to time until I feel strong enough to stand on my own again. Some attention. Some compliments. Hoping someone will tell me I am worthy, strong, beautiful, but when they do I hate all of their words. They mean nothing. Shallowness. They know nothing of me, have no idea of my struggles, layers, ideas and depth. How could they, I am in a vacuum of my own doing.
I will entertain the idea of falling in love. Of someone seeing me for everything I am and adoring me. And then I will be snapped back to reality. I am alone. A prisoner of my own right, I can not expect or accept someone tearing a part their life for me, and the thought makes me simultaneously gag/laugh. The truth is life is easier alone, easier to soothe myself and talk myself back from a ledge then even wish for that person to respond to my life’s struggles with more than two words.
I know there will be day that comes when I will not be afraid of myself anymore. I will not need someone’s encouragement or validation to support my dreams, to tell me I can and will do more than what I am doing now. And isn’t that what I have been waiting for? A partner to swoop in and say “now is the time, please step into your power, I have you.” I pray that day comes for myself and that that voice is my own and it is louder than my fears, my trauma, my self sabotage, my shit coping skills. May my voice be louder than ever, and may it tear through the years of waiting.