Ten years and only everything and nothing has changed since I faced my worst physical abuser in court. I was prepared to speak against him, armed with my best friend, the prosecutor and the victim’s advocate lady that had been assigned to my case. I didn’t have to speak. He stood in a separate room and read the victims impact letter I had written and decided to take a plea agreement. Three years for stalking, a class C felony charge and all other charges dismissed. Three years.
I felt relief. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I felt pissed. I was mad it had taken so long to get to that point in court. I had dealt with the threats, the intimidation, the assaults for two years before it finally came to that point. It was a slow and painful process. I lost friendships, a feeling of safety and a lot of my sanity during those years. I was hurt and confused and my self worth was a ball of goo. Surely this meant that he loved me. Surely this isn’t what love was.
Looking back I can see the classic narcissisms cycles at play. The love bombing, the word salads, all the catch phrases you learn about during discovery of narcissistic abuse. Trauma bonds and hope will keep one changed to people that are pure hell for your soul if you are not careful. I was not careful. I was far from careful. I was weighed down with trauma and CPTSD and continued on my journey not healing and not learning as much as I should have about myself and what my self worth was.
I went from that relationship to another narcistic relationship. I left that one for…. you guessed it, yet another! Never healing, playing victim and telling my sad story to anyone who would listen (vaguely, because of course I couldn’t get too vulnerable). My last relationship, with my son’s father, left me so broken and battered that I shut down completely.
Four years later and I am only now coming out of that fog. Ten years is a helluva long time to put yourself through so much torture.
Do the hard work. The time passes regardless.