To be chosen.

Just once I would like to be chosen first. The first and only option. Someone’s only true choice. Not an after thought, a stand by, a maybe, a convenience. A true and honest first and holy yes, this is the person.

My heart is in shambles again, and it’s not even over something real or important, but it was enough of a reminder to let me see a lifetime of my never being chosen. Never important enough for a goodbye. Never important enough for respect. My heart hurts so bad for all the times I have been made to feel I wasn’t good enough.

Did it start when my dad moved to Arizona and didn’t bother to tell me goodbye? Took my brothers to dinner to tell them, but didn’t invite me. Did it solidify when I spent two years of my life waiting and writing my first boyfriend while he was in prison for him to chose someone else when he got out? Or what about my first true love telling me he wanted to be with me because the other girl he liked said no?

Every. Single. Relationship. Has. Been. This. Way. I’ve always been the second choice: to women, to drugs, to gambling, to alcohol, to anything that isn’t me. Made to feel my feelings don’t matter or that I’m “cool” enough to understand.

Meanwhile my heart breaks over every little thing. My heart breaks when I walk into my family’s house and I say hello and they don’t say it back, like I didn’t enter the house. My heart breaks when my friends can be social with other people but can’t seem to find the time to see me. My heart breaks when I feel so fucking unwanted.

I am strong beyond measure. I have been through a few lifetimes of heartaches in this one, and I think I have a hard time asking for what I need. But how does one ask to be wanted? Especially with a history of so much abuse and trauma? Please someone chose me, but be a healthy and loving righteous person? Idk I’m just sick of crying over this life.

One thought on “To be chosen.”

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