I chose the word Transient because I refuse to believe that I am homeless, or that this, any of this, is lasting for more than a short time. And really, I am not homeless, I have homes to stay in, people to stay with, even if only for a day or two. I have moved my things, my stuff, my bullshit twice in the last three days, and it is exhausting. It is even more exhausting having my furbabies (The Beasts) living so far away from me. I chose to take them to The Fixer so I can get my shit together enough to never have this happen again. NEVER. AGAIN.
I was kicked out. Kicked out of my friend’s house after only two months, and after 20 years of friendship. I can speculate on what happened, and I can tell you exactly what she said to me, and what she said I did to her… but really, none of that even matters. What matters is that I did my best, I cleaned as much as I could, and did all of the yard work… and paid rent… and helped with the kids…and none of it mattered. My feelings did not matter, my confusion and lost(ness) did not matter. It did not matter that only two short months ago The Fixer did the same thing to me. And why doesn’t any of this matter? Because I am old enough to have my own house again. I am strong enough and smart enough to know to not depend on weak people, yet I keep doing it. No more.
After I lost my home to foreclosure I did not know what to do, and have been following my gypsy heart ever since… living here, living there, depending on people to help me because they say they want to help me. Because I have believed that people want to see me succeed. And there are those that do want to see that, and those are the people I will have in my life from now on. No more emotional vampires, no more psychoticness, no more people that won’t listen to my truths because they don’t like what I have to say.
I am going to stay with the Good Brother and his Wife in Awesome and get this adulthood shit re-started. It’s time.
I am going to do this, on my own, and no one will make me feel like I don’t have somewhere to go again.
One thought on “Transient.”
COMES THE DAWN
After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with you head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on
Today because tommorow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And that you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn and learn ….
With every goodbye you learn.
-Veronica A. Shoftstall