There was a time when I was locked away within my own self, unsure of my next move, my surroundings, clinging to hope… but not necessarily believing in it. I lost my house, my job, my car, a husband, my safety, and a bit of my sanity all in the span of a few months. I worked hard, daily, to function, to even get out of bed. My insomnia was at an all time high, my nightmares and PTSD symptoms made everything seem impossible… but I kept getting better. I heard a lot of comments like “you just need to do something” and my reply was always “I am still here, still living, and that is enough for today.” It took all of my strength to remember who I am, in the process I changed a lot, and it was mostly for the better. I almost lost my life, a couple of times, both physically and mentally… but I survived. I am still breathing, and for that I am forever grateful. And things changed, and that is what this Faceless Friday is about…. Changes/people/things that have rocked my face off completely, and in the process allowed me to look at myself once again.
The Fixer. Sunday will mark one year since The Fixer came back fully into my life. We made out once in high school… and then nothing….and then years (many years) later we started chatting on Facebook. We talked for a few years about wine, doing dishes, random things, never really flirting, but just sort of enjoying someone to chat with. And then one night he text me and asked me to come visit him (in his home state) and I laughed. My reply “A real gentleman would not ask me to come see him, he would come to me”… a few hours later his reply was “You are right, they would, see you in seven hours.” And he came to me.
And we laughed and laughed. I had not laughed that freely and completely in a long time, especially not with a man, and I immediately enjoyed his company, and I still do. A year is both long, and not long when talking about relationships, but I can honestly say this has been one of the best, if not the best, year of my life, and The Fixer made all of it possible. He invited me in, with all of my heartbreak, scars, PTSD, anxiety, body aches and pains, and Nico dog… invited me in, to live with him, to be at home once again. And here we are, a year later, living with one another with all of my stuff. He allowed his house to become a home, and for that I am grateful. The Fixer rocks my face off DAILY.
Nico Harper Man Dog Extraordinaire. Mostly when my fibromyalgia acts up I feel guilty for not being able to offer Nico the walks he is used to. I lay in bed, hurting physically, and then reel from the guilt of having this precious loving dog that just wants to go for a walk. He has been my best friend for over two years now. He moved in with me at my old house because I needed a reason to live again, and it turns out he was exactly what I needed. He has been homeless with me, cuddled me, and licked away my tears. He has added a joy to my life I did not know was possible. He makes me laugh, and gives the best man dog hugs in the world. Everyone should feel the joy of unconditional love, because that rocks. I may not be able to do all of the walking he needs in one day, so I am even more grateful that The Fixer has stepped in so much. They make quite the pair. A man and his dog.
My Plants. I have a plant that I call “Big Poppa” because at his largest he was taller than me… (okay, I am short, but still). I got him and my other plants out of a little bowl planter at my grandpa’s funeral. I have been growing them for YEARS. Big Poppa has now broken twice and had to start over (hmmm…. Like me) and is now thriving at our new home. I did not realize how much I missed my plants until they were with me again (my mom had taken care of them for the last year or so). It feels right and good to have living things in the house again. It really does add to the feeling of serenity.
Support. Most groups of friends I am involved with leave me feeling like the ugly red headed step-child that no one really likes, but feels they have to love. (This is not a slam on gingers btw, or step-children, as I am pretty much both). I do not belong in mommy groups, I get my feelings too hurt when everyone knows I do not have children, but still ask how the kids are… and then as a side note “fur babies too”. I am out of the loop with that. I have nothing to offer, even though I have a lot of experience with helping raising babies. People that have babies don’t necessarily want to hear from us that do not have babies, even if we have some pretty good ideas. However, there are those people out there that get it. That understands me, and support me, even if I am not 100% grateful on any given day, or just can’t even seem to lift the fog out of my brain. For all of you that get me, and support me I am grateful. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to see how I am doing, and what is going on in my life. Your friendship means more than you know. And thank you for never making me feel guilty when I cannot slap a smile on my face. My heart is true, and I am remarkably sensitive, and I appreciate those of you that see that and love me for it.
New Eating. Monday I started a hypoglycemic strict diet, which basically means I cannot have carbs, sugar, caffeine, or anything I hold dear to my heart in the food world. It has been a struggle, but also pretty exciting. I have enjoyed cooking again, and I feel better knowing exactly what is going into my body. (I have also lost 4 pounds already….BOOM). I have also felt better emotionally because I am not in a constant state of loopity-loop with sugar crashes and carb cravings. Not going to lie, it has been hard, and I have had dreams of Doritos, but I have a feeling it is going to be worth it. At this point in my life I would do anything to have my health back. And once again a huge thank you to The Fixer for standing by me as I ride all of this out.
Okay, let’s move on to the short list and get this day started:
Fresh food, garlic, stuffed green-peppers, carb free and sugar free cheesecake (yeah I bake… so what ;)), money to buy groceries, new shampoo and conditioner I can use on my Guai Protocol, clearing out bad toxins so my body will feel like I have power over it again, books, the internet, cucumbers, my family, my friends, people that understand I just don’t have the energy right now to do things, chatting with my bestie KT, a big awesome bed, seeing the sunrise, and of course, dear hearts, YOU. You Craughers that make me feel normal and loved. Thank you. You rock my face off!