Yes, there will be times when all of the pain, the abuse, the words, won’t seem like a big deal… you will convince yourself that you can handle all of it, that maybe you are just being dramatic. That you are strong enough, physically and mentally, to handle the abuse. You begin to think that you may be the first woman in the world to stand by her abuser because he may change, things may get better. You start telling yourself that a love this tortured and hard must be worth it that your love story will be the greatest ever told, because you stood by your man, even when he was standing over you.
Small things start looking like reasons to stay. Maybe he made you coffee once, or played you a love song? You begin concentrating on these small things to offset the truth: he put his hands on you in a violent and abusive manner, his words slashing through every part of good you ever formed in your being. You find yourself confused and broken. Maybe he was right. Maybe YOU are the one that has the problem… maybe you could have done something differently… You start ignoring FACTS, and look for any reason to convince yourself that he is still worthy of your love. You disregard the reality that the bad moments far outweigh any goodness he ever showed.
However, you feel the truth in your bones, somewhere almost within reach of yourself you remember who you are, and you sit there in amazement at your life and who you have become. You are an abused woman. There is no sugar coating it, he hurt you, and that is not okay.
That is NOT okay.
You realize you have not smiled genuinely or comfortably for what seems like years. Laughter is forced and is a mask for the confusion you feel in your heart.
You love him. You cannot imagine your life without his love.
You hate him. You cannot imagine your life with his love.
Every excuse to maintain the relationship floods in all at once, leaving you even more confused, and broken. You look at all the reasons why he turned out to be so mean. Maybe his family did not love him enough, or loved him too much? Perhaps he saw violence in his own home growing up and he believes love looks like this? Nevertheless, the truth, dear heart, is that he is a grown man, making his OWN choices, and he has chosen to hurt you. He put his hands on you. He made the choice to become this monster, and there is no saving him, there is nothing you can do, and there is nothing you need to do. Be safe and love yourself enough to leave.
It will hurt, it does hurt, but learning who you are again after such devastation is worth it. You are worth it. You are worthy of a love that is kind, and gentle. The amount of heartbrokenness you feel is worth it to have a life that is your own, where you can laugh and breathe with ease.
You CAN do this. You ARE doing this. You are worth so much more than the pain, the heartbreak, the lies, and the bruises.
Find yourself girl, because I promise, you are not hidden in his anger.
You are still you. You are still there, deep inside, YOU are there, and you can bloom again, and you will.
One day at a time.
Okay at Best- White Widow <—- Listen to this!!