My Truths: Today

I am trapped.  I am trapped in my depression and my anxiety.  I am trapped in this fat body, this body that is not old but has old parts.  I am trapped with fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disease.  I am trapped in self-loathing and self-pity.  I am trapped in loneliness and bitterness.  I am trapped by a broken heart and a broken spirit. I am trapped in this idea I have of myself and I am tired of it.

I was abused.  I was broken. I was scared.  I lost control, and then realized I had none to begin with. I want to shout to the new people in my life “THIS IS NOT ME!!” This is not who I used to be, this is not who I am.  I want to take people aside and whisper to them that I am funny, that I am loyal, that I am strong, and that I am healthy both physically and mentally.  However, those are lies.  That is not who I am right now.  Right now, I am a mixture of high-strung self-doubt, anxiety, depression and two years of weight gain.  And yes, perhaps the weight gain is not the most important, but it IS a physical symbol of the hell I have been through and is a daily reminder that I lost myself.

I lost myself.

Fuck, that isn’t even true… I gave myself away. I gave myself to someone because I did not know how to love myself through a divorce and the failure of losing my home.  I gave in and gave it all away.  And from that moment it has been a constant struggle to discover who I really am anymore.  So, for today, and only today, I want to share who I am.  I want to be honest and real and raw all in selfish hopes that from today on I can transform… I can find all of me again, not just the parts that have struggled to the surface.

In order to be free from this prison I have got to tell my story. My truths as they stand RIGHT NOW. Not then, not tomorrow, but right now.

I am 40lbs overweight.  I am no longer the kickboxer with the 30-inch waist.  I am technically obese and cannot will the weight away as I did in my twenties.  I am physically ashamed of my body and myself.  I know all of the reasons I put weight on, but those reasons no longer apply.

I am in depression.  Logically I have no reason to be in depression, but my PTSD keeps sneaking in and attacking me in the worst ways and in the most vulnerable places.  I need medication and the medication I am on now is no longer working.

I feel crazy.  I know that I am not, but I feel like I am. I am in a constant fog, unable to manage the daily routines it takes for an adult to survive in this world (read: shower), and it is embarrassing sometimes.  I find myself embarrassed with the state of my mental health, not because I have issues, but because I do not have them under control.

And there you have it, a general idea of what is going on here.  The Shattering came in and has me hostage…. And yet I’m faking my way through life until I can feel it again.

I have no answers. Not yet…. but I am working on it.

4 thoughts on “My Truths: Today”

  1. I feel so much of what you’re saying here, and your courage in just just saying it as honestly as you have is PROOF that you have the strength and honesty you need to find your path through it!
    To heal the wounds, you first have to confront them– excavate them thoroughly, cleanse and bandage them, and be gentle with yourself while you heal….
    Easier said than done, I know, but what I learned along the way myself is this:
    Easier done once said!

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  2. I am in the same boat as you, minus the divorce. I am suddenly fatter than I’ve ever been or ever thought I’d be, depressed, and just really unhappy with my life. I am tired of my hubby. I dislike my step-kids immensely. I don’t know where to begin to make changes, so indecision has become my decision. I do nothing, because it’s just easier. I’m sorry you’re in such a funk. I hate to know that there are others out there feeling like I do. It sucks, but it’s also comforting to know that I am not alone.
    Love and light to you. This too, shall pass. xoxo

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  3. So many can identify–they’ve been there, done that, burned the damn Tshirt, and wade on through the sludge.

    It took years for my PTSD to be resolved. Shame and expense kept from seeking treatment 13 yrs ago. There were no support groups, my family wasn’t interested in hearing about it, I was too ashamed to share with my friends, I rarely slept. My children kept me going one step at a time.
    It also took years before I was able to hear the person’s name (who was responsible for the trauma) without hyperventilating or becoming fearful.

    What I’ve learned: I define myself, no one else is permitted to do that.
    I like who I’ve become yet seek to evolve by learning.
    Surround yourself with those who support you in a positive manner and have your best interests at heart.
    Do what you love and love what you do.
    Don’t be afraid to try.

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  4. “What I’ve learned: I define myself, no one else is permitted to do that.
    I like who I’ve become yet seek to evolve by learning.
    Surround yourself with those who support you in a positive manner and have your best interests at heart.
    Do what you love and love what you do.
    Don’t be afraid to try.”

    I ❤ Len!
    All I can add is that identifying what is making you feel trapped is the first step to finding your way out of or around those traps.
    In my own life, because my default setting is apparently 'effervescent', I minimize pain in my own past and rarely speak of it, even though there are buckets aplenty!
    I was the only one who realized I had PTSD, I was the one whose casual reading came across the concept of Complex trauma and c-PTSD as a more intricate understanding of how separate traumatic events compound each other's effects.
    I see a therapist weekly, and a shrink monthly, and while they agree with my self-diagnosis, in over 2 years neither of them spotted these symptoms until I did.
    My point is that if I waited for someone to notice and understand what's happening inside my head FOR me, it would never happen. In becoming my own analyst and advocate, mostly through trying to figure out why I'm pretty damn happy for a person whose 40 years on the planet includes 2 separate 15 year abuse patterns and a few other traumas on the side…..
    Facebook and the blogosphere empower to share our stories and experiences in a way that has never existed before: person to person, free to anyone with a computer or smartphone, as raw, honest, and ultimately empowering as we make it….

    Like

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