When will I be Released?

I knew the day would come, I even knew it was coming soon as I got notifications from the prison/victims line that my stalker would be released this month.  Still when I got the text that he was indeed out it knocked me on my ass… literally.  I sat there as thoughts of everything that I had gone through with him came flooding back, and the thoughts of how far I have yet to come.  It does not seem like enough time has passed.

I’m not ready. I’m still weak. I’m still hurt.

I’m sure his time in prison didn’t go as fast as mine out here, but yet I still find myself searching for the last two years of my life in quiet dismay and disbelief.  He got released early on good behavior (you know since it is hard to hurt women in prison) and yet my “good behavior” still has me staggering to find myself, where I fit in, and asking the age old question “who the hell have I become anyway”?

The hardest thing to convey to anyone seems to be how my body, my psyche is reacting.  Logically I know, for the most part, that I am physically safe. He does not know where I live, and quiet honestly probably does not have the energy to try and find me. I know that. My mind knows that, but it has not stopped my body from trembling, filling itself with all the energy that comes from the fight or flight feelings.  Panic attack count yesterday: 3.  And that is not just almost panic attacks, that is leaving in the middle of work, hiding in the bathroom stall waiting for the klonipin to kick in so I could feel as if I had some control over my breathing again.

I feel like damaged goods.  Sometimes I feel like I should be “over it” and that other people think that too. Nevertheless, I am not, and I do not know when I will be.  He tried to kill me.  Literally knife to me, phones smashed, pinned down begging for my life type of thing. Most of those details no one knows, and honestly I doubt it would be helpful if people in my life knew those details (except for perhaps a counselor).  I do not want to be seen as a victim, I want to be seen as a survivor and in that, I want acknowledgment. I want people to stop acting or thinking as if I should be “over it”.

I am angry. So very angry.

I am angry that I had to go through any of that. I am angry that I worked so hard to put him in prison and he is free again to do this to someone else. I am angry that I even had to explain to anyone yesterday why I would react in such a high anxiety way.  I am still picking up the pieces of my life, I have made leaps and bounds. I have moved, I have started working again, I have made huge strides that do not include me sitting alone at 3 in the morning contemplating why I am here anymore.  The dark thoughts come less often; I value my life more every day, and am striving to want even more from it.

I AM NOT DAMAGED. I AM HEALING.

Deal with it, I am.

healing

10 thoughts on “When will I be Released?”

  1. It has been more years than icare to remember since I was in an exremely abusive situation. I’ve never told the whole story of what I went through with anybody. Not famiy, not friends, not therapist. No one but me and the dbag who abused me knows all that happened. Through these ten plus years I stilll find myself having the fight or flight soul sucking panic attacks. the lasttime I was in theeapy I was told that I would have to accept and deal with being a victim before I would ever be able to live and lead the life of a survivor. I HATE the word victim more than any other word in the world. But the logical rational part of me understands what my therapist said even agress with it. And knows that more than likely its true. I hope one day that it is true. I will keep you in my thoughts qnd prayers and I will be sending positive vibes your way. Stay strong.

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  2. You are healing and getting stronger every day! You recognize what you fear and you admit it. You will conquer this. You have so much good coming your way. Beep beep, outta the way , shitty feelings

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  3. You are a strong, courageous woman who deserves nothing but the best in life. You’ve persistently fought to keep yourself emotionally afloat and you are doing it. Every day…when you wake up and choose to get out of bed, that day is the day you beat this demon and choose life. I’m so proud of you and have no doubt that although this is the struggle of your life, you WILL get through it. And you know we’ll always have scrunchies ready.

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  4. oh honey! You are so right. You are not damaged. You ARE definitely healing. And healing takes time. So much time. But every day, it’s healed a little more! love to you!

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  5. Healing does take time. I was never physically abused, but I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for almost 5 years, and it ended more than 4 years ago and I am still healing. I have the same flight response when my husband and I get into arguments. No matter how calmly he expresses himself, I always feel like I’m in danger, and when he does yell, I shut down completely. And he is nothing at all like my abuser was. We just get conditioned to respond a certain way, that when we no longer have to live in fear, our bodies just don’t know how to respond. They seem to resort to default mode and just try to keep us safe, even when there is no real threat. Does that make sense?
    You are stronger than even you know. Love and light to you.

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