Faceless Friday: Part 50

I stayed up the majority of the night thinking of all of the blogs that I have not written that I want to. It did not help I was also in the midst of a panic attack that creeped in from nowhere.  So, expect blog posts again, fueled by anxiety, and my own sweet determination.

I’m going to start this blogging thing again with a Faceless Friday.  Faceless Friday is where I take a few moments to write out all of the things that ROCKED my FACE OFF in the past week.  So, let’s do this.

Bravery.  I made an appointment with a counselor this past week.  There are people in my life that do not understand the whole counseling thing, and yet I chose my health and happiness instead of catering to their confusion and judgment.  It is easy for this Codependent to avoid things that are good for me based on what others might think, but I ignored that for my own greater good.  That my friends is brave, and progress.

Acceptance.  I have not worked my program for a few months…. And it shows.  I may not be addicted to drugs or booze, but I am addicted to the Codependent life.  When I do not work through my Codependency I suffer emotionally.  I had been pretending that all of those issues or thoughts were gone now that I am living in a new place and am happy.  Happiness really has nothing to do with the fact that I still need to work a program.  Accepting that, and knowing that, rocks.

My fat Bawdddddy.  I understand why I let myself gain so much weight.  I somehow decided that I did not want to be attractive; somehow, I had convinced myself that if I was not attractive that I would no longer attract people into my life like the stalker.  I have worn my extra 40lbs as shield from hurt, attention, and happiness.  This is what my stress looks like.  This is what the last two years of my life look like on my person.

Anger. I am angry, and that is okay, because I need to feel all of the feelings.  I am angry that I lost my home.  I am angry that any of that mess was allowed in the first place.  I am glad to have a home now, but that does not take away from the ache I feel from what my home meant to me, how it made me feel, and the awesome feeling of it in general.  That shit is hard. It hurts. I need to heal from it, and I am angry. Fucking angry. 

Actually I am angry about a lot of things.  I am angry that I cannot write whatever I want on my blog because someone may take it wrong. I am angry that I worked my ASS OFF to get my stalker in prison and he will be out at the end of this month anyway. I am angry that no matter what I seem to do I can’t lose any weight… and I am angry with myself for not working through this shit…. Okay… so Faceless Friday is about gratitude… and I am GRATEFUL for this ANGER. It means I am feeling, and that leads to healing. 


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