Last year I struggled and struggled to write my year in review and opted for an open letter to 2012 instead. This time around I am bound and determined to summarize all of the happenings of the past year… so lets do this.
January 2012 left me homeless, scared, a bit positive, and mostly lost. My home was foreclosed on and I spent the first few weeks of 2012 scrambling to pack up an entire house all while my heart was completely broken that I could not keep my home. That was such a devastating blow after having lost so many other things (mainly myself). I could not have made it through any of that without the help of some amazing friends and family. People rallied around me and gave me so much to be grateful for. I have no doubt that I would have completely lost it if it had not been for people helping me pack, move my things to storage, help me to even get a storage unit, and ultimately allowing me to see some light in so much darkness.
I moved into a small bedroom at my mom’s after I lost the house. This was supposed to be temporary as I was planning on finding employment and having my own place within a month…. Funny how that was not even close to any sort of reality. I do not think I will ever be able to fully explain how hard it was to even get out of bed. I felt defeated. I had bought my home when I was 23, and now here I was in my thirties, divorced, completely worn down from my stalker, and living in a small bedroom at my mom’s house. I could not sleep, let alone get my shit together enough to interview well if any job opportunities did come about. I was heartbroken and lost. I was torn between being so very grateful to have a warm place to lay my head and feeling like a complete loser. It did not help that the person I trusted my heart with at that time did not, in turn, have time for me.
I was so positive that after going through my divorce, losing my home and fighting for my soul against a psychopath that the next relationship I would find myself in was going to last, was going to be easy, and was going to be worthy. I was wrong and it just added insult to my numerous injuries. It did not matter that I had stayed away from men for almost a year. It did not matter that I fought so hard to heal from the physical and emotional abuse from my stalker. I had once again chosen the wrong person. The heartbreak I felt from that is confusing and mixed with emotions from everything else. And there was a lot of everything else…
During this time the psychopath ex of mine was arrested for stalking… me…. And held on a $100,000 bond. As relieved as I was that he was finally incarcerated it was devastating to think that I would soon be facing him in court. He decided to not take the plea agreement, which meant that we would be face to face in court. I am not going to lie I did not want to go to court. In fact, I wanted to do everything BUT keep dealing with all of that devastation. This man-child had taken two years of my life, stripped me bare and left me a shell. I did not think I could muster enough strength to see him, honestly, I did not think I had any strength left. But I did. I got dolled up and went to court. He saw me. He took the plea agreement.
When I walked out of the courtroom, I was in such a state of shock and disbelief that I just stood there and thanked the prosecutor repeatedly. He took the plea agreement. He finally said he was guilty. I decided to not attend his sentencing but submitted a victim impact letter that will forever be with his permanent record, and that was read during his sentencing trial. I may not be able to stop him from abusing other women, but at least there is a warning tag that comes with him if anyone bothers to see why he was in prison. (Note to all women and men: check to see if there is some sort of warning tag for the person you have eyes for).
And I kept getting out of bed. Even when I didn’t want to, even when it was painful and even when the last thing I wanted to do was to move, even an inch. Friends and family were mad at me. People were tired of my depression (none as much as me by the way) and my relationships were starting to suffer. I was mad. ANGRY. Fucking pissed. I just wanted someone to give me a damn break. At least I was still breathing. At least I didn’t give in and give up… but it didn’t matter. No matter how hard life is sometimes it just keeps coming and coming and if you are lucky… changing. I was mad that people kept telling me to “get over it” and to “keep going”… because, well, isn’t that what I was doing? Did I not get out of bed the majority of the time? (Okay perhaps I am still angry about all of that…)
And then I let go.
No money. No home. No car. No job. Just me…simply complicated me… I was tired of being judged, feeling guilty, and feeling worthless so I CHANGED MY MIND. I decided that it really did NOT matter what people were thinking of me, saying to me and how I was treated. I started letting people go that were damaging to my psyche. I started surrounding myself with the people that mattered in the first place, the ones that continued to tell me that I mattered. I said goodbye to the people that brought me down instead of building me up… and that, my friends, made all the difference.
In August I received a text from an old friend (okay…crush) that asked me to visit him some seven hours away… and I said no. Okay, actually I said “a real gentleman wouldn’t ask me to come to him he would come to me”. I cannot express how huge that was for me to even say, to even believe I had enough self worth to say well, that I was worth that sort of trip. And four hours later I received a text “A gentleman does…see you in seven hours for a nap”. And thus began my love affair with The Fixer. He came to see me and I laughed so long and so hard that my face hurt. We made up raps about driving and laughed and it was easy. It felt good and right and not forced. I had been through enough to know that everything changes and changes often so, I just enjoyed that he came to visit me EVERY weekend for some time. His kindness, realness, humor and light allowed me to be even more brave when I thought I had no courage left.
So, I moved in with him. Hours away from my family (for the first time EVER), hours away from all of the heartbreak areas of my life. I decided to take a chance. Not really a chance on him even, but more of a chance on myself. Within a month of moving in to my new home (A HOME!!!) I had a job, and a renewed sense of self, and a brand new life to be proud of. And then it hit me. I can have everything I want again. I have that power. It seems so easy to think now, that yes, of course I could change my life… but I didn’t believe it. I thought for sure that my life was going to stay stagnant and hurtful.
I surrendered to the ever-changing pattern of my life. I took a conscious look at everything and allowed myself the knowledge that I will lose things in my life, but that does not mean I have lost my life. I have lived without a home, without money, without a car, without a job and without self-love. I have lived long enough without to know that I can, if I ever have to again, survive. And knowing that made everything in 2012 priceless.
And as I enter into 2013 I am filled with more gratitude then I will ever be able to express.
I’m still here. I made it. Thriving is starting to take over where just surviving once was.
I am alive.