I am lost.

Somewhere I lost my way…I mean really lost my way… When I left my husband it was devastating, but a much needed step to gain my own happiness.  I was proud of myself for taking a huge, terrifying step towards… well… ME.  I was not the sort of proud where one is cocky, but the proud that is quite, simple, and is grounded in knowing.  I was relieved that I had finally taken a step. I was doing something for my SOUL, and it felt true and good.

And then it all faded to black… okay, that isn’t true. I invited the black in, in the form of an ex-lover, I invited him in with wild abandon and with so much hope and love, that I did not think it would be possible for it to turn bad.  Nevertheless, it did turn bad. Fast. Deadly bad… but those are other blog posts…(to the right over there).

After I took that next step in protecting my happiness (as well as myself) in the form of a protective order I worked hard, and I mean fucking hard, at getting back some of what I felt had been stolen from me.  However, try as I might The Shattering set in, and all though it fades from time to time, I am still living with it. A constant reminder, not because some boy broke my heart, or a stupid front door.  Not because I lost my home, or a job, or any of that… but because I lost my SELF and it’s going on two years…

And everyone seems to know how to get me back. Everyone but me… and all I want to say is “fuck you” and “you’re right” and “fuck yes I’m scared, fucking terrified”.  I am tired of people swaying in and out of my life with all of this advice and not being strong enough to actually just sit beside me and be. That is all I need right now, that is all I want. Just sit there, help me to feel that there is nothing wrong with all that I am and all that I have become and or lost. Just fucking accept me for the fucked up mess that I have become and quit fucking judging me so GD hard.

Yes, this has gone on long enough. I know that better than anyone, I’m living it. Yes, I don’t smile as much as I once did. Yes, I get my feelings hurt. Yes, I am sensitive. Yes, I take naps a lot. Yes, I have insomnia and panic attacks. Yes, I have flashbacks of bullshit I wish I could forget. Yes, I hate men. Yes, I find it hard to trust anyone. Yes, I want to lie around and grieve longer. Yes, I want a fucking job and to be done with all of this. Yes, I want to fucking breathe again easily, and laugh even more so. Yes, I want a fucking life. Yes, I want children. Yes, I want a house. Yes, I want a car. Yes, I want a place to live, a place to belong. YES! YES! YES!

AND

NO, I DO NOT FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU THINK ANYMORE.

I lost my way.  I really lost my way…. but I am a survivor.

10 thoughts on “I am lost.”

  1. I don’t really know you (yet), but I recognise the description of to hell and back that you’ve written. You are a survivor – I know because I’m one, too. And I know none of what I’m saying really helps – just wanted you to know someone was here, and hears you.

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  2. sometimes compasses are wrong. i don’t know you personally, but you don’t sound lost to me. you sound like someone who is coming out, two steps forward, one step back maybe, sometimes, but you’re still swinging. i don’t think you’re lost. i think you’re starting to find yourself: what works and what doesn’t. knowing what you need and what you want, even if it’s see-through and faint, is the beginning of knowing what you DON’T need and DON’T want. your focus on the affirmative: what you’re looking for, is key. it takes a while. you’ve not been free (from the court drama more than two months, right?) a year yet. you’re still wobbly. give yourself some time. it’s OK. you’ll work it out, when it’s supposed to be worked out. -m

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  3. if you live in southern california, i will come sit with you. or you can come sit at the beach with me. we are in very similar boats, if not the very same boat, and no one gets it. i HEAR you.

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  4. I love you, baby girl…in your good times and bad. My ass is planted right here in scrunchie-land and I ain’t goin’ anywhere. You WILL get through this. You’ll find you again. You’ll kick lifes ass. I know it. And I will be right here while you work on knowing it too.

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  5. You are an amazing brave woman. You will get there. Your life and experiences sound like mine, truly. You Can Do this you are a survivor. You would have never made it this far it you weren’t. Your soul is beautiful kind loving and giving. Stay who you are and believe you are beautiful. The right people will see you……and your soul.

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  6. You want silent companionship? I’m your girl. There is nothing in life that I do better than hugging, hand-holding, tear-mopping, and listening. It’s…kinda my specialty. People struggle with tears and awkward silences because they feel like they need to “fix” it, and the truth is sometimes there just ISN’T an easy solution. Sometimes all you really want/need is someone to hold all your little pieces together for a while because you’re so tired of gripping them so tightly all the time. And sometimes you just want to lay your head on someone’s shoulder and hear them say “Well that truly fucking sucks. I can’t imagine how you’re being so strong through all of this.” and then STFU and let you do what you need to do while they hold you. And you are – SO STRONG. You inspire me every day. LOVE YOU!!!!

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  7. Sending a million watts of positive energy and e-hugs to you. You don’t know me at all, but I believe we all have to stick together in this life and, well, I have no advice to give, just good thoughts headed your way.

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  8. I don’t know who or where you are, dearest one, but you have touched my heart and may have redirected my relationship with my son…his struggles echo your words. From the bottom of a mother’s heart “thank you”…I will sit with you in spirit.

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  9. The fact that you can express yourself so well shows that you know yourself. You may feel lost, but you are not unheard, unknown, unloved, or alone.

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