It is no secret that I am sensitive. I always have been, and hopefully I always will be. I do not mind that my feelings are so close to my surface. It means I can laugh easily, show kindness regularly, and that people always know exactly where they stand with me. If I am true to my feelings, my instincts, and my core, life unfolds in profound ways. Within that, there lies the struggle, the surrendering to my SELF, the true person I am without the tough girl act, without hiding my hurts, wants and desires because it may make someone else uncomfortable.
If I am not true to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be true to me?
I have worked long and hard on myself, to become a better person, to express myself in healthy ways, and to be able to ask for what I need from loved ones. This has not always been easy, and has been a long road to travel. Because of the self-work that I have done, the awakenings I have strived for, I find it almost unbearable when someone does not understand where I am coming from. When one chooses to assume what I am feeling instead of listening to what I am saying, and brushes me off as some emotional girl, as if I do not have control over my feelings, my actions.
That is what keeps happening. I keep inviting these idiots into my life that do not really care about any sort of depth, feelings, or true nature, only themselves… only what they can get out of a situation, or a person, me. And I really have nothing to offer. I am used up, I am broken. At this point in my life all I can do is take, all I have the energy for is for someone to treat me kindly, gently, and with love and affection… and in order to find that, I suppose I am going to have to offer myself those things first. Listen to my instincts, trust myself, and carry on.
So why is it so fucking hard for this recovering codependent to get her shit together, care about herself and move the fuck on?
I am still grieving.
Will I ever be done grieving? I lost everything in such a short period, and lost all of my safe places to land at the same time. I miss being comforted, I miss having a place to call home, but most of all I miss feeling safe.
Does that feeling ever come back?