I have censored my blog for the last year to not upset people… I’m done with that now…
It has never been easy for me to be vulnerable, it is especially hard when I am face to face with someone… all of my inner criticisms, shyness, and awkwardness come out and I am usually left mute. I can blame this on never having a safe place to land growing up, but that was so long ago it’s probably time I take the blame on myself. I am scared of rejection, of speaking my needs and wants and then having them ignored or worse laughed at, which let’s face it when you date psychopaths is bound to happen…
I do write though and if I trust you I may even point you in the direction of my blog. My hopes always being that if someone can handle all that I have said in my blog, then they will know a depth of me that is hard for me to share in person (at first anyway). So, what I don’t understand is how someone can learn those things about me and still not offer me a safe and soft place to land, even for a little while… or can completely ignore all that I have gone through in the past year all together… or my favorite “I would like to be here for you if you would let me”… I want to scream “It’s not that fucking hard. Just be here. Just let me lay my head on you. Let me loose myself in you for a moment without worrying if my emotions are too much, if I am too much, or if you are going to disappear in a fucking day”.
Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK!?
So, what have I learned in the last year from repeatedly dating the same guy since I was 13?
Not a motherfuckingthing.
Seriously… besides I attract the addicts, the dishonest, the shady, and the ever unavailable emotionally male.
And there you have it.