It occurred to me last night in the middle of my insomnia induced emotional state that I miss my house because I miss belonging somewhere. I miss that feeling of stability, the feeling of knowing I have a home, a safe haven whenever I need to retreat, or a place to dance around and sing when my heart is filled with joy.
I don’t belong anywhere now. It’s as if life keeps screaming “No one wants you, you do not belong here”. Because I am a relationship based feeler I tend to believe that it is a person I belong with, that I belong to someone out there, and they to me… These false hopes have done nothing but distract me from the reality that is:
If I am going to belong anywhere I need to create that space.
I have no idea how to go about this. As much as I have worked on my codependency I still fall into that thinking almost daily. I am great at supporting others, encouraging, wanting the best for them, but when it comes to my needs, desires and dreams everything gets cloudy, everything starts fading into a blur as if my life were a watercolor that was hosed down.
I am tired of living in a water downed version of myself. I have a huge personality, laugh easily, and feel even more so… so why do I keep surrounding myself with people that prefer me sedated, quite, and unfeeling? If they cannot handle my honesty, my emotions and my strength that is not a reflection of myself, but more of a reflection of whom they are.
I need some wide open spaces to breathe into. These last two years have been devastating to me, but that doesn’t mean I have quit, it doesn’t even mean that I have changed for the negative. I have grown stronger, more understanding and more patient, but just because I have learned these things does not mean I have to allow others to treat me unkind.
I suppose it is about time to get serious about my dreams and wants and stop letting life and others distract me.
I’m ready for a new adventure, one filled with kindness, hope, and love for myself.