Victim’s Impact Statement

  I feel like I should put some sort of introduction on this… Following is a letter I was asked to write for the courts regarding the guy that stalked me.  Parts have been removed to protect me and the people involved…. Somethings only the devil and you should know about sort of thing.

Anyway, I am publishing this in hopes that it proves that YOU can overcome anything.

Yes.   You.

Victim’s Impact Statement:

I have tried to write this statement at least a dozen times. I have found it hard to put into words all of the feelings that still crash around me, daily, because of the actions D took towards me over a year ago.  D’s actions stripped me of my life and left me jobless, homeless, traumatized and only a shell of the person I once believed myself to be.  I am not sure if I will ever be able to communicate clearly the fear and stress that he brought to me, but I want to try, I want someone to know what he did to me, and why I have not been able to sleep for over a year.

The first time I ended my relationship with D he called me over one hundred times, and texted me just as much, if not more.   I had to leave my home and find comfort and safety at a family member’s house because he was threatening to have me hurt.  I was under the impression that all of his psychotic behaviors were due to his drug use and told him that I would stay with him if he entered into a residential treatment facility.  Three days later, he agreed.  During this time, I stayed with a friend because I was afraid that D would physically hurt me at my home (which he had done on many occasions prior to his treatment).  D stayed in treatment for only two weeks and convinced me that he was sober, and that he would never hurt me unless he was using methamphetamine.  We set up boundaries and I moved back into my home only to have him show up and refuse to leave after the first weekend he was out of treatment.

In January of 2011, after I told D, repeatedly, that he was no longer allowed at my home and that I would call the police if he did not leave he smashed my phone on the wall next to my head, making it impossible for me to call for any help.  That night D  forced me to be a prisoner in my own home, making me sit on my sofa for over three hours while he physically abused me and verbally assaulted me.  After he left for work that afternoon, I called a friend to come and take me somewhere safe.  The next day I went to the Sherriff’s office and filed a domestic abuse report so that I could get an emergency protective order.

Having the deputy take pictures of my bruised body was humiliating.  It is heartbreaking to stand in front of someone you do not know and have them see what damage a “loved” one has done to you.  The bruises up and down my arms were dark and prominent enough that one could see D’s palm print.  I was ashamed that anyone had to see that someone had hurt me so badly.

The protective order was not enough to keep D from stalking me at my work, friend’s homes and my own home.  While I took a few days off work to file the protective order and allow my bruises to fade I got numerous reports from my employment that D was in the parking lot, had entered the store numerous times, and was sitting in an adjoining parking lot.  During this time, D called one of my friends and said that he would go into my work and kill me and “everyone else”.  In order for me to protect my co-workers and myself, I had no choice but to leave my job.

I stayed with some family and friends for a while before going to my home to gather a few more belongings.  When I got to my home my front door had been smashed, things in my home had been gone through, and a letter that D had written to me was placed in my jewelry box, a place where I never kept letters.  The feeling of sickening dread that swept over me, and still does when I think back on this, was and is overwhelming.  It is impossible to describe how gut wrenchingly awful not being safe in your own home feels.

During this time not only was D breaking into my home, but he was also text messaging me, leaving psychotic threatening voicemails, emailing me, contacting me on Facebook, contacting me through Yahoo chat, and creating YouTube videos directed at me and my family.  The e-mails D sent me cited domestic abuse website statistics stating that most women are murdered by their partner after leaving the abusive situation. His chats claimed the same and grew increasingly threatening the more I ignored him.  He would text me over 100 times daily, and call almost as much.  He directly threatened me and my family through text messages, a video he posted on Facebook, and conversations he had with associates of mine.

Because of the past physical abuse and verbal abuse I never doubted that D would harm me or kill me if given the opportunity, especially if he were high.  I moved out of my home and in with a family member so that D could not find me, and so that I would not be alone.  His threats were so real and so clear that I found myself sitting in the dark, crawling on the floors, and not leaving the house in fear that he would see me and kill me.  D may not have ended my life, but he destroyed every part of it within a few weeks.

Once D was arrested for stalking charges, I believed that would be the end that he would take me seriously enough to never harass me again.  That was not the case and he sent me letters from jail, and once he bonded out he left a card in my mailbox at my old home, and continued to make YouTube videos directed at me, and send me “anonymous” messages via chat and texts.  The overwhelming fear and crushing realization that I would never be rid of him was devastating.

As much as I would like to report that I have been able to regain the power over my life that D took from me, that is sadly not the case.  As I stated, I had to leave my job due to his behaviors, which in turn caused my home to be foreclosed on as I was unable to make my mortgage payments during this time.  I am still plagued with anxiety attacks, insomnia and when I am able to sleep horrible nightmares of D murdering me.  He took away any sense of safety I ever had, and stole any self-confidence I had in living a powerful and productive life.  I still have not been able to find gainful employment; I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have had to spend countless hours in therapy learning how to function in society once again.  As distraught as I have been over the damage that D did to me and my life, the worst is seeing how it has affected my personal relationships.  Many of my friends no longer know how to talk to me, and my family will always in one way or another worry about me and my safety.

My hopes in writing this statement are simple; to move on, to put all of this behind me, and finally start living with the knowledge that D cannot hurt me again.

Sincerely,

Every Abuse Survivor that has found Their VOICE

and Craughing girl

28 thoughts on “Victim’s Impact Statement”

  1. So amazed by your strength and courage. My heart breaks for the pain you have suffered at the hands of someone who was supposed to love and protect you. I can only hope and pray that you know your worth…because to me, you are priceless. You are so special and so inspiring to so many. May God give you peace, happiness, and love all the days of your beautiful life. Good will prevail my love. xo DG

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  2. I love and adore you. I’m sorry you went through this nightmare. I’m so proud of how strong and tough you are….much love. Xoxo

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  3. You are a very sweet, and strong woman. I know in my heart that one day you will have you life back, and be better and stronger than ever.

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  4. You have no idea how much I admire you and your strength. You may not realize how strong you are, but good gravy girl, you have more strength in your big toe than some of us do in our entire bodies. I am so lucky you have come into my life, and with the support of those of us that love you, you will become stronger! So much love to you my friend!!!

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  5. Wow that is really powerful. I am so sorry you had to go through all that and I too, am amazed by your strength. ❤ Stay strong.

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  6. clicking the ‘like’ button seems somewhat diminuitive. I can’t imagine this. I’m so proud of you for doing what is right and for making a voice so others will find theirs. Continue on my friend. Be brave, be strong.

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  7. Be brave. Be strong. Be safe. Does it ever end? The hold is deep rooted I know. God deliver you and all of us alike.

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  8. I left a comment to you on Tara’s blog. I am her cousin. I am a survivor of domestic violence. The healing road ahead is long and hard at times. But you are a SURVIVOR! Your Voice to others through your story will help another. You are a strong and powerful woman!!!!! Many prayers to you.

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  9. I’m so glad you posted this, and hopeful about what these words will mean to others struggling to even begin finding the words. Thank you, for too, too many things to enumerate here.

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  10. I hate that you had to go through all of this, but I hate it more that you have to relive it. He took your beautiful trusting heart and smashed it to bits. I wish so much for peace for you, and I know healing takes time, so I am very hopeful you’ll find it.

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  11. I finally am able to quietly sit and focus on this…and I can’t stop crying. My heart and soul hurt so bad for you and what you have been through. I can’t imagine the paralyzing fear and nausea…and can’t believe that you are able to function and interact with others as you do every single day. You are an amazing woman who never ceases to give new reasons to admire you and your resilience. You should truly be proud of yourself…you ARE a survivor and so inspiring. Love you, girl. Much. ❤

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  12. I understand completely what you went through. I was married to a monster who tried to cut off any contact or relationship I had with my family. Even after I left him,he found ways to mess with me.

    Stay strong you’ll make it.

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  13. I am sorry for all you went through and are still going through. I work with victims of domestic abuse and your story is one I hear daily. The fact that you got out means you made the first step. Many vicims are not as lucky. Therapy works but you have to give it time. Alot Of my clients ask me if there is life after abuse and I tell them there is so hang in there and always be vigilant.

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  14. You are amazing, inspiring, beautiful, and strong. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this. As a survivor of horrific childhood abuse, I did not have a voice. No one believed me or would listen. There were so many days that I just wanted to die. Somehow, I pulled through it and now have a loving, peaceful life. You deserve the same. Your words speak to my soul and make me want to truly close the door to my very painful memories. Thank you for bringing me the comfort and hope I feel today. Much love to you. Always. Xoxo

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  15. i have a friend who went through a very similar situation…wish she was as strong as you in dealing with the aftermath. you are amazingly awesome to have come out the other side. continue working with your counselor and family…it’s not easy, but you can get your life back!

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  16. I have been through this and now he has put our child through his terror. She is going to be 13 and went to prison. He filed for his rights from his prison cell and I have spent 3 solid years trying to protect this child against this man who stalked and harrassed me through the very same avenues your abuser used. The courts protect these men many times. Orders of protection were just a clue in case the abuser actually acted on their threats. Other than that they are useless. There is a father’s rights initiative giving them more power to stalk through the courts.
    You have a very good support system and while this may haunt your mind and your spirit, you can heal from this. Trauma bonds are the ones I feel take the longest to recover from. Especially for those of us who are kind by nature.
    Good luck and take baby steps remembering to give yourself credit for every bit of progress.

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  17. awe. sigh. i think of you with amazement and courage. i have nothing to compare with this; i only know that you are my hero. i wish you peace and love and confidence and swagger and love. love again. live to love again.

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  18. Deborah, you are truly an inspiration for anyone who has suffered or is suffering from the strangle hold of domestic abuse. To be able to share your stories, your true feelings and to be so vulnerable and honest takes courage…you have had to dig deep my friend. You just keep keepin’ on and know that YOU are making a difference and the world is a better place due to the work you do here. Fuck all the people who don’t have a clue, I am 51 yrs old, stayed in an abusive (emotional and verbal) marriage for 17 yrs.with an alcoholic until I dug deep and knew I could not live another day of this precious life dying inside. it is now 8 yrs later and there are many days that I still feel like I did the day I left, but you know what, I have peace and am still learning to love myself. I try hard every day not to replay the negative and derogatory illusions that were spewed out at me for so long which sadly I believed and as I say still fight them in my head. In this life we were promised there would be trouble and strife, it is not easy nor a fairy tale as some people think life is. Well guess what? Most of them NEVER get it, they choose to not be real and not deal with issues that are painful, that’s why they drink, become addicted to drugs, sex, whatever it is… be proud of yourself and know that everyday is a battle but YOU will win, Honey! I enjoy your FB posts and have just wandered over to your blog, I hope to visit often……I didn’t mean to make this about me….lol….I want you to know I am deeply moved by your story.

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  19. Wow…just wow. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, but the mere fact that you’ve come out the other side and are sharing your story shows just how strong you area. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us and I hope that one of these days you’ll be able to find peace. On another note I seriously hope that bastard pays for what he did to you.

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  20. Wow, just reread this post and it still blows my mind. You are so strong to have shared your story!!! i can’t imagine what you have been through…but I am so glad you made it through and I hope that the future bring you everything wonderful that you so deserve!!!!
    And congrats on your move!!!!

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  21. I am you..and you are me! I have been dealing with same type of situation for about 2 years now. My faith in the criminal justice system, faith in relationships, and faith in people in general has diminished. I awake everyday, and check the court docket and inmate status website to see if they have let him out or changed a court date before I can determine what my day will be like. I applaud you and hope that now, almost exactly 3 years to the date that you first published this you have some type of peace in your life.

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