I need this to be over. NOW

I am tired.

Tired of feeling like this… whatever “this” is… Every day I get up and I try my damndest to be positive, to affect the world in pure intentioned ways, to be the person I hope I am meant to be.  And I am tired of going to bed every night wondering what I have done so very wrong to have my life turn out so very fucked up.  Wondering why I can’t seem to catch a break, or most recently why I am not worthy of pure and gentle kindness.

The past two years have been emotional hell for me… I have survived a divorce, a stalker, the loss of my job, the loss of a vehicle and the loss of my home, and the loss of what I thought to be the most promising relationship. Top that all off with chronic pain from a failing back and fibromyalgia and I am a walking time-bomb of sadness.

And then… here I am I struggling with living with my mother again for the first time in a long time.  As good as her intentions may be she is abusive and living here hurts me to my core.  I cannot explain this to anyone.  I cannot sit here and share every life shattering thing I have dealt with in my life… I can only say I am tired and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I am so tired of hurting. I am tired of being invisible and unloved. I am tired of being so alone and so fucking compassionate for how everyone else feels.  I need.  I am a feeler.  I have emotions. I have wants and desires, and I should never have to apologize for them, to anyone, especially myself.

I am grieving for my life and trying to maintain some hope at the same time.

Being aware and healthy and responsible for one’s actions and feelings is fucking hard and draining.

I can only hope that there is a reason for all of this pain.  I surrender.

BLESS ME, NEVER STRESS ME.

8 thoughts on “I need this to be over. NOW”

  1. I can not imagine my life in your shoes. I has to be difficult. You are allowed to grieve for things you have lost. You don’t need to make apologies or put on a cheerful face. Feel what you feel. Happiness is waiting for you and you are getting there as fast as you can. (The last part is a semi quote from “How I Met Your Mother” sorry! Lol)

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  2. All I can say Is that I love you. There is a little of each of us in your plight and a little of you in ours. Pain is Universal. I am crass and goofy on my site, but deep down I am raw just like you. I can close my eyes and feel your pain. Silly maybe, but imagine all of us women in our FB circle wrapping our arms around you in a BIG circle of love. I know we aren’t able to physically be there but we are here for you. Each of us holding the other and crying and laughing through the other’s pain. ❤ I hope it helps

    Brady Bunch on Crack

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  3. I feel as if you just wrote about my life!! A few changes and I am you to the core! I wonder every day why I am still here when nothing I seem to do matters anymore. If it wasn’t for my kids I think I would just disappear! The night is the worst because then everything seems to come and overwelm me to the point where I find it hard to breathe. Sometimes I wish someone would just swoop on down and save me from myself. Decisions are just becoming to heard to make anymore. I know there is a reason for everything but I cannot seem to find mine. I wish you all the love, luck, and positive energy to help you find your way! Maybe when you do, i can follow in your footsteps! Take care of yourself…………….

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  4. Thank you for your continued honesty. You are so sane, so normal, so deep down good. I can relate to much of what you say – I have so much to grieve for, mostly very different things to you, but grieving much the same. Our western world is utterly crap at grief, so please remember that there is nothing wrong with you – only with the disconnected, discompassionate world we live in.

    Have you ever heard of Reevaluation counselling? (RC) I did this for a few years and it really really helped, so mutually supportive. I am not suggesting that you need ‘help’ I just know that this has given me a set of tools that help me cope (mostly) much better. It was healthier for me than just counselling because it is much more empowering – you share time so you would alternate between being ‘client’ and ‘counsellor’. If you are interested, look it up – it is worldwide… Just a thought…. Should cost very little money too….

    Many blessings on you xxx

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  5. I understand. I have Lyme disease that presents as fibromyalgia. I too am co-dependent and know what it is like to just one minute of someone giving an ounce of compassion to me instead of “want want want”. I can’t say that it gets better, I am still living in and with rampant alcoholism and wondering every day when that will change. Be strong and know that god is out there, and a whole world of anonymous faces that feel what you feel. You are not alone. Sending a big hug. -Kat

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  6. I wish I could sit and cry with you. That’s what I feel like doing 99% of the time. I am also struggling with Fibro and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (spending today in bed again actually) and it gets so frustrating and depressing. I do hope you find some happiness soon. We all just need a little break, a chance to get back on our feet, some time when we don’t feel as if it is all crashing in on top of us. I pray for that. For all of us. Bless you, Craughing, and your beautiful spirit.

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