I have the word surrender tattooed on my right wrist. I had this done last year so that I would have a constant and blatant reminder that I am not in control, that God is in control, or the Universe, or whoever is actually running this show… all I know is it isn’t me. I do not have control over ANYTHING, except for how I react to things… and even then I wonder… When emotions rush and swell and I can hardly catch my breath… do I have control over that? I can choose how to react in situations. I can let my emotions control the show, or I can wait, breathe and decide what is best for me. And it has to be whatever is best for me; I can’t help anyone else, especially if I cannot help myself.
It is hard to surrender, especially when you are codependent. It is hard to release all the anxiety feelings, the stress, the nausea and just let whatever happens… happen. Let it unfold as it should, because in reality the world is going to act and react however it wants to, and there isn’t a damn thing I or anyone else can really do to change that. We can be compassionate, we can be helpful, we can be empathetic, but we cannot actually control how others react to these acts, to our beings, or make them see our worth and desires. That is up to them. People have to be willing to go the extra lengths it takes to really know and care for one another in helpful and healthy ways.
So, for today, if only for today, I will take a deep breath and do what my heart says to do, make the choices that are healthy for me, and stop waiting and wishing for someone else to take some of the responsibility of all these feelings from me. I am a strong woman, I have overcome a lot, and I have a lot to still overcome, but at least for today I can stand firm in the “knowing” that it will all work out. It has to, and if it isn’t yet, then it isn’t the end. I can wait until the end. I can choose to be patient today and let things unfold as the Universe sees fit… it may be the only way to actually bring the end closer.
Today I choose SURRENDER.