I am codependent. No amount of recovery, or healthy boundaries, or moving forward has been able to change that. I can go days, weeks, even a few months at a time doing well with my recovery and then BAM- it hits me, and it is usually where I was not looking. Sneaky fucking codependent nature creeps in when I am unguarded, when I think I have nothing to worry about…When I get cocky and think for even a second, that I have any amount of control over this shit. I need to constantly remind myself that the Universe is unfolding as it should… and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it, but try and enjoy the ride.
And sometimes it’s hard to enjoy the ride when all you can do is scream “I want off this fucking thing!” which is how I have felt all week. I move forward a few steps and then seem to be slammed back to the beginning. .. I’m sure you all know the feeling. One-step forward, fifty steps back or something like that. So, here I am SO freaking close to moving out of my mothers, and then a blowout-blowup- go to blows sort of argument about needing to borrow the car for work. A job I took because I was told, “You can use the car whenever you need to, because you have to have a job”… lies. Lies or maybe she had good intentions and they just did not work out…. Either way I do not have a job anymore, and I can only blame myself. I should have known better than to take a job of that sort without having a means of transportation of my own.
The thing that stings the most is how hard it is for me to ask for things that I need and want. This has been a major roadblock for me for many years, and now that I am trying to ask for help, I get stupid off handed remarks like “I am tired of always helping you kids out”. Um… wait, WHAT!? I have asked my mother for help, like actually went to her and said, “Mom I need help” a total of three times in my life. Therefore, the “kids” she is referring to is actually my youngest brother, who obviously needs more of EVERYTHING than my other brother does and I do. Therefore, I have resolved to move out as quickly as possible and never ask for anything again. So far this has resulted in stupid comments from her such as “call if you need anything”, “I just wanted to call and see where all my babies are” and my personal favorite “I told you I would help you”. Does the woman not hear her own voice when she speaks? Anyway…
So… new plan… keep working on the new house. Move. Then worry about a job. I have to get outta this place if I ever want to have any sort of life I want. So… this week painting, and hopefully a new floor laid in the kitchen. Here is to moving forward, even if circumstances try to drag me backwards.