Things are starting to look a bit brighter, yet I still feel as if I am standing on the outskirts of my life just staring blankly. I am getting ready to move back out of my mothers, for the third time in my life, and all though I appreciate her opening her home to me, yet again, I am so READY to have my own home again. Living here has been a slow death of my soul, or at least the fun part of my personality. I had warned Octavian, and others, what would happen to me living here, I don’t really think anyone, but my counselor, understood how detrimental all of this could be.
However, I made it through. I had to do a lot of surrendering, a lot of breathing, and even more reading of books that help keep me grounded in my recovery from my codependence. It has also helped to have so many Craughers supporting me along the way, and a few great friendships. Without the people in my life that know me, the me I am now, I would have lost my damn mind. So, if any of you are in this situation, and I already know there are too many of you out there, one tip I can offer, wholeheartedly and sincerely. DO. NOT. FORGET. WHO. YOU. ARE. Even if that means repeating to yourself who you are now, over, and over again.
So, four months later, I still have no car, but I do have a new job, and a new place to live… one that is completely disgustingly filthy, which means there is a ton of work to do before we can actually move in. That is so fucking frustrating. It is hard to be so excited about something and still not be able to move forward. It is even more frustrating that I could be working on the house right now, but I have no way to get there. Do not get me wrong I take full responsibility (now) for not having a car, but damn I just need a break. And unfortunately it is not as easy as just going out and getting a car, because I have to fix my credit from the divorce and from the foreclosure.
So, here I am, on the verge, yet again. Still stuck in first gear, but damn if I am not grateful I am not in reverse or neutral anymore. Like I said, it may be a few road blocks, but at least the bridge isn’t out anymore.