My days have are consumed with thoughts and ideas intensifying, like a constant sunrise in my mind, yet nothing is setting, nothing is coming to close. Haunting memories, and even more terrifying than those memories are the thought of making the same mistakes again in my life, the thought of moving forward, the thought of not having any control. I feel a part of me is missing and for the life of me, I cannot determine what exactly that is. I continue to go through the motions, one day at a time, one minute at a time if need be, and yet here I am still, here…
I have been stuck for so long that any steps forward feel awkward and weighted. As if, I am learning how to use my legs all over again. I keep getting these flashes of being a teenager moving out on my own, the same feelings creeping up. I am not sure what to do with these feelings. Are they a warning? Are they merely nervousness, or am I really so stuck that everything will always feel completely foreign to me? I want it to end. I want to feel confident in my new steps and not always second guess my choices… but when you make so many bad choices in a row, it is often hard to feel confident when starting over.
And I am.
ALL over AGAIN.
I want to be excited about all of these changes, of healthy choices I can now make without my codependent nature robbing me of my joy. Yet here I sit, in mourning. Overshadowed by so many changes at once my head is still spinning. It has been months since I left my home, and yet I still wake up almost every day with the sensation that I am in my own bed, in my own home… and then the sinking feeling comes in. Settles upon my mind, reminding me once again, that I am here. Here at my moms.
Starting all over.