I have been struggling with writing a post for the last two weeks. I have been able to find gratitude when I have been weighted down with anger, but I have NOT been able to express that anger without shame creeping over me. I am ashamed of myself for the way I feel about my mother and how living here has affected me. I am ashamed that, even after working my ass off for the past year to NOT be codependent, living in her home has brought it all out and up in a way that I have not felt capable of handling. I have been ignored for the last three days, and I cannot even tell you why, or express how much that hurts.
I want to scream and throw things. I want to smash my head against a brick wall until half of my face is broken and bloody… some physical sign of the struggle I feel within my brain. It is hard to love someone unconditionally when you feel that you are not loved the same… maybe hard is not the word, perhaps lonely is more fitting. I have adored my mother for a long time, I have seen her struggle and overcome, I have been her confidant, her strength, and at times her motivation. I have yelled at people for speaking ill of her, I have kicked people out of my home for being insulting, and I have stood up for her when I should have surrendered to the truth.
I have fought with myself for years regarding my mom. We are so much alike that I fear I am going to be like her, am too much like her, or that others will see me as they do her. It is hard to be so torn about someone and then see their face every time you look in the mirror. I want so badly to be able to speak from my heart without harsh judgment, to be able to express myself to her without it turning into something it is not, or worse blowing up so badly that our relationship is forever destroyed. So, I sit here. Hiding in my room, forever the teenager, forever the adult… being ignored for the third day in a row. I have felt this all before. So frustrated, so alone, and so abandoned that I do not know how to function in a healthy way. My codependency lurking in the back of my mind, whispering all of those insecurities and doubts that I thought I had overcome.
I can be grateful that my beliefs are being challenged, grateful that I have yet another chance to prove to myself who I am, but I do not have to like it. In fact I can absolutely hate it. I do not want to be challenged all of the time, I do not want to have these wars within myself only so I can be happy every once in awhile. It doesn’t seem fair, and it doesn’t seem right, but this is where I am. Therefore, for today, for this moment, I will surrender in the knowing of these things:
- I do not have control over how other people treat me, see me, act, or feel. I can be loving and supportive without being caught up in someone else’s feelings. I can separate my own feelings from theirs. I can set and keep clear boundaries, even if others do not know they are in place.
- I can use detachment to look at a situation and determine what is in MY best interests. I can know that I am a kind and loving person and that because of this my intentions will not be selfish, but will be healthy, for me and for those involved.
- I can take responsibility for my actions and my actions alone. I can remind myself that feelings are just energy and that they do not control me.
- I can seek others out that understand me and appreciate the person that I am. I can know my worth, and let others validate THOSE thoughts instead of the negative thoughts.
- I can appreciate that I am a strong, capable woman that has not allowed myself to be defined by my past, and does not have to be defined by my present. I can look at my life as a series of lessons, each one leading to something better.